Grateful

On January 17th, 2021, I had a heart attack at 45 years old. For decades, I was convinced that I would live a full life without major health complications. My DNA seemed strong. I am a vegetarian. I exercise and lead an active and health-conscience life. Generally a pretty balanced individual. So when I came out of sedation from my angiogram and my cardiologist told me I needed emergency quadruple bypass surgery, I was at a loss for words. I could not comprehend how my arteries became 90% blocked. In just a matter of a few years, if not months. So many questions, so little time to prepare for such an intense surgery… separated physically from my wife and home during a pandemic. It was the first time I’ve been that “alone” in years.

Now in recovery—several weeks since the procedure—I was asked by a close friend about the experience and what’s come up for me in the days since everything went down. This is not my first brush with mortality. It’s certainly one of the more serious events, but in 1996, I suffered a traumatic brain injury that left me on life support for a little bit. That’s the moment I realized there are ancestors in the spirit world who protect us. To be in a space of light and shadow and be shoved back to this dimension is an experience I will hold dear to me forever and beyond. There was also the time I almost drowned in a river and a friend pushed me out before I went under. And the time I lost oxygen 100 feet below the surface while scuba diving. All profound brushes with death—and all with their own lessons.

But back to my friend’s question. The answer is gratitude; for being here. For breathing air. For my wife. For my family and friends. For being able to look ahead physically and spiritually. For everything. For failure. For success. For the unknown. I watched a documentary recently and one of the main subjects was describing why his adversaries feared him. His answer was simple… because he was not afraid of death. This resonated with me because I don’t think I am either. I am more afraid of not confronting my fears of death, or of anything. And what this new experience with heart disease has reinforced is a commitment to always be grateful. Even for the hurtful parts. Like a heart attack.

Post surgery version of myself. A reminder of how strong and resilient our bodies are.